It's that time of year where a boatload of Oscar-bait movies and crowding into theaters and best and worst of the year lists are crowding your web browser. Everybody does it, and Naptown Nerd will be no different. Although, since this is my site, I get to make my own rules, do my own thing and phrase and word things how I want to. So we'll have lists and maybe some moments like this one I'm kicking off this little stretch with.
2013 kicked off with, the delayed from 2012,
Texas Chainsaw 3D. When the delay happened, I defended Lionsgate's move to this date was every bit about maximizing the financial intake on the film and nothing to do with the film's quality. And I'll still stand by my argument. If you take a look at horror films' opening weekend numbers from the past decade on this particular weekend, it'll easily back up my argument. And
Texas Chainsaw's big numbers that weekend only solidified it.
There's a bit in the middle of the film that has a pretty long chase sequence. Our main character, the stunningly youthful 40 year old Heather (AKA Melons McBoobs) is running from Leatherface and comes across a State Fair midway(?). She jumps the fence to get in and...surprisingly...instead of keeping from the public eye and running away, Leatherface follows her. Rivaling the
Jason Takes Manhattan where, instead of hacking away at all the New Yorkers all over Jason just aims for the two top billed leads, Leatherface ignores all the fresh meat in pursuit of Heather. There's even a really terrible shout out to the
Saw series thrown in too.
How does Heather escape? She runs to the ferris wheel and grabs ahold of a car, while Leatherface just sits at the bottom waiting for as it runs up and back down in a circle. I nearly shit myself when I first saw this. I couldn't believe it had just happened. My friend Cullen, my sister and I were rolling when we saw this. We shouldn't have expected any less from the girl who decided hiding in an open coffin 10 ft from doorstep of Leatherface's front door was a great means of escape. To add to the humor, police officer little Clint Eastwood shows up to tell Leatherface to "freeze". And Leatherface hurls his chainsaw at him and runs away like a little bitch. Holy shit! I don't know that I laughed harder at sequences in comedies released this year than when I did with this scene.
I revisited this film last night for the first time since I saw it in the theater. When I first saw this film, I hated it a lot. I was pretty offended by a film that tried to act as if it was so much better than all the sequels that came before it and turned in a dumb, juvenile film. Upon last night's viewing, it can rest assured its not going to make any "worst of 2013" list from me. Having rocked me with its awful the first time around, I knew what I was getting this time. And to be honest, this still isn't a good movie at all. But its actually kind of enjoyable in the sense of "so bad they're good" movies and in the bad "80s slasher" mold. There really hasn't been a slasher (which the
Texas Chainsaw series never truly was a part of until this entry) of this ilk since the 80s. This movie has such a stupidity to it that I can't help but laugh (parts like "Wow, he played that smooth, man" and the police officer outfits being just green button up shirts, blue jeans and a plastic star add to the laughable cheapness).
Where I still can't forgive this film is its final 10 minutes. The film makes a decision you'd only be able to find in some really bad junior high school imagined
Texas Chainsaw Massacre fan fiction. It also includes a new all time terrible line "Do your thing, cous!" It also pairs that with incredible police incompetence and some insanely INSANELY terrible CGI effects that make 8-bit Nintendo graphics look like reality. Also...good lord, this is a horror movie and it absolutely teases the hell out of you with Alexandria Daddario's breats and NEVER shows them. It does everything but. I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a pig (in my defense, I have read and talked to female horror fans that are just as baffled by this conundrum as well), but come on, one has to wonder how that shirt stayed so perfectly placed when she was bound in that final scene. Seriously, check it out:
I'm not strongly recommending the film or anything, but it was nowhere near as bad for me the second time around because I got plenty of giggles and vintage 80s slasher goodness from it. Make no mistake, this is a stupid STUPID movie (seriously, it has a very difficult time with basic mathematics). I will give it credit for at least telling a different story and trying something new with the series for the first time since 1986's
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. All this franchise had been was rehashing the first movie over and over in the form of sequels, remakes and prequels. Sadly, all but one of those is better than this film. So, congrats
Texas Chainsaw 3D, you started 2013 as absolute offensive garbage in my mind but have at the last minute promoted yourself to a movie that could be fun with beer & the right company of friends. With the right people and the right frame of mind, this movie could be some fun.
Keep checking back to NAPTOWN NERD for more reflections back on the year in film that was 2013!!!
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